Saturday, April 30, 2011

I'm moving out!

And scared out of my wits about it!!
I'm sorry to say that I can't handle living in Mom and Bills depressing lifestyle of endless self pity and pointless violence and fighting, and that I must run away from it all... But these years living hear have toughened me up a bit, and while I'm afraid to leave what's familiar, I'm to the point where I'm more afraid to stay here. I've no job, and no money now because mom had to spend my tiny college fund on household things over the year since I've graduated, and I've just decided now that since I have an opening in the traffic, I'm gonna run out in into the busy street and pray I don't get hit by a buss. My friends have repeatedly tried to get me to move in with them over the years, and I've always told them no, no, no. I can't stand the idea of having to lean on someone... I wasn't raised to lean on other people, despite my parents faults, they did raise me right... Or perhaps my grandparents are the ones who instilled all the proper values. Perhaps it was a collaboration between sweet and sour? Grandparents being sweet and my parents the sour? I love them all in any case, and I'm thankful for them raising me.
So I suppose this post is a thank-you note to everyone in my life who've helped me, I wish I had been more active on an old website I used to get on when I was younger, Cleanplace.net... I don't think any of them realized they shaped much of who I am now. My love for reading and writing was amplified there, and reading and writing is much of what got me through these years. I might not be Christian, but even I know what a light-filled place can do for a person, and that little haven was filled to the brim with bright, warm people. So my first thanks goes out to everyone there, even if none of them would read this tiny self-centered little blog of mine... I'm sad to say I'd mostly forgotten about them until earlier today when someone had said something about wanting to actually go through and publish one of their books, for some reason I automatically thought of MangyCat and wondered if her sci-fi book ever was actually published... A whole bunch of memories flooded me all at once and had to sit down for a few minuets to just soak them all in again. There is much that I've stuck deep into the back rooms of my memory warehouse and lost, it's strange when such random conversations reveals something like that for me.

The next thanks I've already done in person, but is to my friends.... each of them who tried to help me even when I tried to push them all away. I am finally bending and letting you all in, and accepting your help. I still feel bloody awful about it though. -____-

Now! To get out of the weird thanking mode.... I tell you my plans... My grandparents from up north, the ones who pretty much helped raise me when mom went plop into the waters of no-life and no-anything, are coming down here to visit. I've decided to hold off leaving out of here until they get here or till after they are gone, because I don't want to give my grandmother a heart-attack. She would probably flounder in my empty bedroom if she arrived and found I'd moved out without telling her when I was leaving... I'd rather not be the cause of death for my own grandmother, I've already got to worry about too many others and making sure they don't jump out into traffic as is. By the end of next week, I'll be on the Lease of my friend's apartment. Since we use Code names all the time with us, I'll call her Chii... since that's her nick-name from our high school years. Chii and Mozzy and their family have told me over and over through the years that I could move in with them at any time, but I've always refused the offer. Piper and...   .... well, what do you know... we do have a friend who doesn't have a nick-name... I'll just call her Green for now, since that's her favorite color... Piper has tried to get me to move in with her once, though her mother and I mostly just laughed at that one, since Piper tries to get EVERYONE to move in with her... Green has been an absolute dear to me, we were going to get an apartment together once I got a license and a car and she got her car as well, but... things got a little delayed and she also couldn't bear leaving her mother, and then suggested I just move in with them... -___- Her and Chii would probably go at each-other's throats if I told either one of them that I loved the other more... I swear... I've turned into all my friends wife! It's like they worry about me sleeping with other men, except those other men are just our other friends.... It's a little complicated.... because at the same time, I'm kinda on the back burner... and number two in everyones life rather than anyones number one best friend, but they all get touchy if I seem like I'm starting to hang out with any one of them too much...  I give up trying to figure them all out...
O_O I got off track!! ANYWAYS!! I'm gonna be on Chii's apartment lease early, I don't have a job, but she says she'd rather be stuck supporting me than anyone else, and doesn't care as long as I'm not on the street.  Which made me cry. Since the apartment is in town, I can walk pretty much everywhere, and get a job. I refuse to be baggage for Chii to have to take care of. Hopefully no one's taken that job I've been eyeballing for a month at the Newspaper, and if they have, I know several places that are Hiring... I can only pray to my gods that I have a chance as I apply. Jobs in this small town are not easy to get...

Speaking of Jobs, while I spend most of my days on the internet, looking for work or videos of funny cats, I still spend a lot of my time on gaiaonline. I've been on there since I've had access to the internet I think... My current account is only five years old, but I know I've an older one, I just can't remember what it is anymore.... Jobs on there are getting hard to get too! -___- and they're not even real jobs... The artistic people of gaia really amaze me... a few years ago joint art-shops weren't really that big of a thing, now, suddenly, they are all over the place and artists hop on them like starving people! I used to work with A&D Flowers as a joint art-shop, and we were okay... Lily was obviously the best artist of us I think, Tess I believe had the most unique style... they both moved on to bigger and better things now, but for me, those were the golden days XD.  The reason I bring this up is because I'd been thinking of opening a Tarot shop up on there... To help me learn my new deck and earn a little gold. In Real life, I might be broke, and mostly homeless living with a friend, but on there my account is pretty impressive... Mostly because I'm a pack-rat and refused to throw away event items until years later when they suddenly are worth quiet a bit....  I don't talk to a lot of people, so it's not like I'm well known on there or anything, but I do read a lot... and I do mean a lot, of what's on there. I just don't talk as much. I can look about my room from my seat and count 20+ books lying about from where I've read them and then kinda just left them where they are once I was done to come to the computer and write to a few select friends on gaia about them... So I mostly talk about books and anime when I'm on gaia... I was huge into role-playing... and writing collaboratively, but I'm more for working alone so I've never been able to stick with things for very long... I wonder how long my next job on there is gonna last... The Tarot shop I've been thinking of opening, well, I'm opening it with a stranger, and I worry about it. I've been doing most of the designing, which is how I'd have it... I let her do the color choices of course, but the way I was thinking about setting up is much more elaborate than it should be I think...

Lately I've been feeling horribly guilty about all the stories I started writing and just... stopped... I've never been able to stick with them! I have commitment issues with my writing.... I start these awesome ideas, have elaborate story plots, and everything planned out and done up in my head perfectly, and then I start writing... and after chapter five or so... it just... dies. I've started a story once, Demons and Nobles was going to be the title of it, and it was halarious... because it was around Nanowrimo time.... and I watched my poor little story shift completely from one thing to something completely different. I now have two different Demons and Nobles story plots. I wrote a letter to my characters.... I wonder If I can find the letter again, because it was hilarious to me since most of it was apologizing to them all after I received a letter from my origional main character...
Here's her letter, I just dug it up from the depths of my computer...
[Dear Author,
How DARE you. first you up-seat me out of my position as the main protagonist and then you give me the role of the stupid Threshold Guardian? I'm the first bad guy of your story? What the bloody hell are you thinking woman? What's more to add to my insult you stole my last name and gave it to the Gardner for gods sake! You make me look like a heartless bitch for the most part of the story, you take MY demon and make him fall in love with MY maid servant, who by the way, you turned into the main character. How does that even work? I'm terrified for when you actually start writing! If this is the damage you do from just revising your plot there's no telling what ditch my fragile body might end up in. You say you're not going to kill me, but your original plan was for me to die at the end and for Shaed to take off with my soul and take care of it with his everlasting love. Now you have him prancing around with some servant girl from the country who's not even noble blood. I don't know who he is anymore, is he even the same character? Or did you change him around too? You basically Ruined MY story. Thanks for nothing.
Naiomi .... I DON'T HAVE A LAST NAME ANYMORE, DAMN YOU!!!]

I did my best to keep her in character when writing .. It was really fun!

I can't seem to find the note right at the moment that I wrote to all my other characters, I suppose I'll leave this next spot blank in case I ever do find it...


In any-case, I may pick this story back up again... I was heartbroken when I learned I wasn't going to be anywhere near interntets in time to finish the Nanowrimo, but now, without the pressures of getting it done on time, maybe I can do it without flailing my arms and freaking out....
In any case, it's four in the morning here now, I just wasted an hour pawing though Nano trying to find the letter to my other characters.... -___- I'm going to bed now, and leaving this silly little blog post...




I'd add another picture here that I've drawn as a goodbye gift! But I've mostly been drawing Anime Porn... lolz...
Oh, wait! I do have something!!

It's just the lineart mind you~ and the one hand went all derp on me...
and now for the colored version....

My coloring skills can still use some working on.... 
She is supposed to be dressed in all white, that's the main reason I took on this request was because I didn't need to work with so much color on the actual drawing... the background was a spontaneous surprise.... I like doing backgrounds like that, just night time ones with grass... they are so easy!!

2 comments:

  1. [reposting from my blog in case you don't see it there] Hey Hioni! Yes, I remember you! How neat that you found me. Good to hear from you! I hope all is going well for you, and that you will find some peace when you move out.

    I love the image on the background of your blog. Did it come from a specific anime?

    ReplyDelete
  2. :D No, I believe it's one of several art images by Bobce Lee~ I've found a few on the net and thought they were beautiful! I'm a stickler for small details.
    And thank you! It's great to hear from you too!! I'm surprised you remember me!

    ReplyDelete

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