Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's only been a few weeks since my last post.

But I'd like to keep posting regularly. I've decided I'm going to have to let go of my boyfriend... But I don't know how. If I hold on any longer it's just going to hurt worse for both of us. I let us have one last happy date, pretty much locking a part of myself away so I could enjoy the time we had together while I could, cause I know It's gonna hurt. A lot. I'm scared, yet it needs to be done. I need to get on with life, and he needs to focus on his life and stop trying so hard to get closer to me. He's been trying, and trying, but the more he tries to get closer the more I pull away. He wants a family, already I know he wants a little girl name Rachel Hime T. He's told utopia like stories of our future, he had his own company, worked with computers had me at home with the kids, his best friend living just down the road with his wife, me and his best friends wife were best friends, our children were gonna grow up together and we were gonna stay in one place, stable, and happy.  I'm not entirely sure what My part in all this is, other than sitting at home raising kids and being a "happy little house wife" but I have news for the world. I am not staying in one place. I am not tying myself down. I want to get a degree, I want to travel, I want to write about far away places in far away places, I want to experience the world, and even help make a difference. Never in my life have I wanted kids, I love children, as long as they aren't mine, and I don't have to see them every day. He mentioned something on the phone earlier today when I called him "THE" Idiot, we were joking around. And he said yup, the was the idiot, but he wasn't changing and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Something clicked and I wanted to write this then, but got sidetracked.... I don't want to change him, but I don't want to change either.
I also noticed I find it hard to follow my own advice, to just do it. Just get it done and over with... I've been dragging this out for weeks, and I've run myself emotionally thin... Dangerously thin to where I've scrapped the edge of Insanity not once, but twice. Because I've not been dragging this out just for a few weeks, I've been dragging this out through the entire time we've been together. It was nice, playing pretend, but life doesn't just fall into place like that. You have to fight for it.
If I must think of a relationship example in anime terms for some of my Otaku friends... I think the best example I know is Russia and Belarus from Hetalia: Axis Powers. (Yes, I watch Hetalia... No, I don't always agree with everything said in it, nor do I really follow the stereotyping as badly) I feel like Russia in a way, if Russia were a Girl and Belarus a boy. I feel like my little brother wants to marry me. Every scene between those two reminds me of me and my boyfriend. Not quiet as literal where he's tearing doors off walls and demanding I marry him, but he's got it allll planed out in that little head of his, and it terrifies me. I don't watch enough anime to be able to think of another example... Unless you wanna do another Hetalia example with Latvia and Belarus... in this case I'm the Evil Belarus and he's the pinning Latvia... it kinda fits better actually... cept I'm not in love with an older brother.... (though I do like Russia... *giggle*... ) and the person I like isn't trying to get Latvia/my boyfriend to become one with him and form a sick little love triangle....
 We've talked... several times, but he always manages to make it into joking somehow. I know he doesn't want to hear it. Just like you guys probably don't want to be reading this.  But I have to get it out of my system... I can't really do anything else right now.... I wanna sleep, but I can't stop thinking, if I can't stop thinking I write what I'm thinking and it goes away for a little while unless I share what I'm thinking.... Cause then it goes away for good and not just for a little while....

speaking of, I posted a little something on Gaiaonline not to long ago when asked a question in Vetus Gainus... A guild for older Gaian's... on Gaiaonline...
And this was my reply... I absolutly let loose on a mini rant.

Relationship Turnoffs or Turnons.

Huh, interesting topic~

Rant Start-
I can't stand a guy who lets everyone walk all over him... I'm dating one like that now though...
Whining, complaining about every-little-thing, saying how bad they have it when most people, (me included) would love to be in his shoes. He never strives for anything, he always talks like the world is just going to dump the leprechauns gold pot on his head in the future and he'll not have to work for anything. So he doesn't do anything.

I hate assumptuous  people. People who assume they know everything, who act like they know every thing, and people who talk over their own best friends, who change EVERY FREAKING SUBJECT to point right at them and their problems or what they do for something. They'll claim that they don't, but they do... The smallest and simplest things said from people like this piss me off.... majorly.

Another big turnoff, is bad hygiene... I do NOT want to kiss you if you haven't brushed your teeth all week... I do not want to come near you if you haven't had a shower in three days... I can't stand people who are unclean like that.... I can understand if he was dirty because of his job, maybe actual dirt, or somebody split a thing of flour and it got everywhere, as long as you shower it off and don't SIT in it for two days before washing.... icon_scream.gif That pisses me off.

Also... I don't like guys who lie... Or beat around the bush too much... Romanticism is nice, but a guy doesn't have to put a freaking poster on his bedroom wall of me or tell me he loves me every ten minuets... -___- cause that's just creepy.


I purposely left the other half... of the conversation off cause you didn't need to read the cheesy girly daydream boy I put as the perfect guy. I don't like perfect, but there are just things that don't click with me. the whole time I wrote this I was thinking of my boyfriend. so far I don't think he's ever lied to me, but all the others fell right under his name. And he doesn't have a poster of me either.... cause I saw what he did with his last girlfriend when she let him have a few pictures of her... he had them EVERYWHERE. His room was Decorated in her.... *facepalms*

I really don't know how to do this.... Last time I had two best friends, I may have been their third wheel, but they were my best friends at the time, to help me out. Now, I'm kinda on my own with a small handful of good friends... not Best friends, but really good friends.... I mentioned them a few posts ago I beleive.... They've been such dears, but now I'm feeling selfish. I've been complaining about this for ages and not doing anything about it... I'm a selfish coward. I've... never been truly hated before... I don't want him and his family to hate me when I do it... I always want to make everyone happy, be every ones friend... but with cracking love I guess I can't do that anymore. I'm going to have to break something else or be broken myself.
I'm scared.
That's all I have to say this morning... I guess....

Oh, wait... one more thing...
I drew this today!! ^_____^
Somehow though... my scanner dimmed out some of the details... and made it look not as bold as it was... I have it all shaded in, not that you can see half of it... and it's much darker than this in reality... *shakes head* I think I need a new scanner... It scans dark lines and pen very well, but all the other details get left out.

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